I am at a crossroads. As I stand and stare in any direction I have come to realize that until I make some significant changes all paths will lead me astray. I found out this morning that I do not have MS or any other Neurological issues. I do have “something” but all the departments that could come up with a nicely packed diagnosis are telling me what it’s not. I do know deeply that this is great news. I am fortunate that I do not have any types of hidden illness. But, do I still have an invisible disease?
I have had every inch and layer of my physical body checked and rechecked. I have been undiagnosed by doctors in various specialties. All conclude, there is nothing wrong with my body. However, even an obtuse observer would notice that there are physical manifestations happening. They vary but do not fall under one specific domain. So what’s next? Has medicine failed me?
Yes & No and maybe a little of both.
An antibiotic cannot fix a stab wound. It does not get applied in that order. So, what I need to recognize is this: My mind is broken. Not my brain. That has been evaluated and fine. My mind is the place where memories are kept it is corroded. What I need to figure out now is what tool gets into a place that we are taught from the very beginning of life isn’t a real place? It’s like attempting a vacation to Neverland, Shambala, Asgard, The Emerald City and Hogwarts. If the mind is a fictitious place how can it cause any harm in the waking world?
This is the million dollar question that I must answer with a buck fifty to my name. There is this knowing that going into financial debt will have far less long term consequences than going into mental debt. That is a price that I cannot afford.
I can sit and argue all day with doctors and continue spending time in hospitals and clinics or I can start from where I am. I can start from what I know. I am not like other people. I am not rare but I am not average. When it comes to my composition of body, mind and spirit my numbers are off. I am more spirit than body and mind than spirit etc. Though we think of being aligned as the perfect combination of all 3 there is some misunderstanding to being aligned and being equal.
Equal assumes all parts carry the same amount and is universal. Alignment is more personalized and may not hold equal amounts but is balanced for the individual.
In a sense my physical body is lagging because I have hit a new level of usage in my spiritual and mental area. This is not a matter of going to the gym and picking up a few more reps or a adding a weight or two. I need to learn how to keep my physical body attuned with the rest. I could continue to take medicine that helps me sleep, that prevents anxiety and blocks pain but then I would be doing a disservice to my gifts and abilities. Everyone of those ailments are balance issues. Am I not considering everything from food consumption to safety? We are born in a state of homeostasis. This is a word that science supports. Yet science is not onboard with what happens to the body when there is an imbalance.
What I must do next is find a different type of healer, doctor, teacher and mentor. One that speaks the language of my disease of mind. It is something that I must start sooner than later. I do not want to get to the point where I start ignoring medical maladies because I think they are nothing but I cannot continue to be seen in a place that cannot see me through the right lens.