Letting Go: Part 1

I have to let her go. The her that embodies the parts of me that are heavy and doubtful. I have been here before. We have this conversation and I make up my mind and end up in a space that I don’t belong. Space I don’t fit into and yet I am trying to cram, jam, smoosh, heave, and ho, just so I don’t appear to have made a mistake. A mistake is not a failure. I lapse in a continued effort to maintain and sustain does not mean incapable.

We sit with each other over talking the other and wildly speculating who is at fault. We point the finger at each other. Grimacing through clenched teeth and swearing that the other isn’t listening. We lose ourselves in the anger and frustration. Our voices rise as we gesture, volleying faults back and forth like a fourth hour P.E. pickleball game.

YOU, got us here! Now we both are suffering. We cannot be in the same place at the same time. You with your ideas of whimsy, magic and faith. YOU with your need to fit in and blend for fear of rejection and persecution. We were better off without anyone ever knowing the depth and capacity of our existence. One of us should leave.

Fine.

We both will take back what we came with. Parting out piece by piece section by section until nothing. For once they both finished what they started. Yet, neither one could carry their traits alone.

There has to be a way to lessen the load. We can just leave some behind. Each one started going through the different traits and recalling its purpose and how it applied to them. As soon as they put one down they realized that they could not keep others as they were strung together like a sequence of DNA.

Removing even just one trait overloaded the other and therefore not decreasing the weight at all. To take away love inflated hate. Removing being grounded leads to being over attuned and lead to delusion. They soon realized that there was such a thing as “too much of anything can lead to a bad thing.”

They did this for hours. An attempt to just leave it ALL behind and walk away was averted as they both realized that the less they both had the less they both existed.

They stood looking at one another from a far exhausted and equally defeated.

One last flare of anger and spite surged through them both like gasoline being added to the fire. As if furies were being birthed deep within their souls they attempt to collect and gather as much as they could with no avail. They exhaustedly slump into their respective corners.

We cannot continue like this. Both nod in agreeance.

I don’t exist without you.

Relentlessly they both acknowledge and nod but still couldn’t come to an agreement.