Ahead of a storm, words, and lies

Staying out front, ride or dies

Promises broken, fences mended

Scraped hearts, knees, a cicadas chorus

Lost girl, wrong side of the tracks

back to back moments, memories a fury of emotions

lost in the moment, a decade to calm, edge of the sword

out righting wrongs.

Better on the side of the crowd, words lost in translation,

when life is loud.

I knew you better than you knew yourself

failed this worse than a driver tests

taken from the passenger side

I ignore all the hate and lies

I walked you to your demons and stood in between

as they slayed me to the ground

lean from all that was given, emaciated from a hurtful love

You needed a knife, I returned all the ones you already used

laughing on social media like this isn’t abuse

why stay, I knew, I know, I needed to know what and why

You were an echo that found it’s way back, a boomerang of lies

wrapped in ancestral trauma and pictures that looked like home

Current mood, misunderstood, a river deep and bluff’s steep

access to healing that I couldn’t touch

denied but,

I know who I am, where I am going and I am loved unconditionally here,

on the other side.

I could say I knew better. The feeling I had when I was in her presence or even through online messages something did not compute with who she claimed to be. But, I was me. That meant that I was strong and intelligent. Those two attributes would be twisted into something only a monster could possess, abusive and manipulative. I did not know what gaslighting was until it was being used on a daily basis. The escalation process was being fast-tracked from both directions for very different reasons.

I was fresh out of a 7-year relationship and back in a city where I fought like hell to get out of. She was in a place where I cannot connect with because I am incapable of operating from that state of mind. (Or at least I would like to believe that I am.) Much like what I do when I don’t want to watch something on DVD I am going to fast forward a lot but hit on a few key points. There were several instances that qualified as Domestics between us. It needs to be noted that these incidents happened between 2008 and 2010 in the state of Iowa. Some were so similar to what I interacted daily within my family and extended family that I would have never labeled it abuse.

At one point we are renting a house from a local police officer. I was hoping by doing so that it would dampen and lighten the issues. Nope. It was in this house that two things happened that will always stick out in my mind that happened on the same night. I wanted to leave. I wanted out. I was in a place where this was going to cause much suffering. I am working as an Assistant Manager at a shoe store in the mall. I am working 6 days a week and long shifts. She controls the finances and everything that goes along with that. Knowing that I at least have employment I cannot be with her any longer. I grab a trash bag and start gathering just my clothes. As I walk into the kitchen to the landing to go downstairs, she confronts me. I am looking up at her as there are two steps. To my right is the back door and to my left the basement stairs.

She grabs the garbage bag stating she paid for it but I won’t let go. She yanks towards her and I am pulling hard towards me and she shoved it back towards me with her weight and body behind it. I am sideways on the landing and the force of her shove sends me towards the stairs my pant leg gets caught on the door stop and I slam into the railing just barely catching myself from going backward down our basement stairs. She smirks and leaves the kitchen. As I am gathering myself and unclenching every muscle in my body including my ass, I come out of the kitchen and she is on the phone. I believe it is her sister until I hear her say she needs to report a domestic and that her girlfriend had hit her. I am staring at her from across the room and her smirk has turned into a maniacal smile.

Even after this, I went back. She promised to change and wanting nothing more than to not be the reason something was not working, I returned. In less than two years we moved a minimum of 3 times, each stays shorter than the first and always due to not paying rent. (I gave her money out of every paycheck) To say shit hit the fan in November of 2010 would be an understatement. She had been through several jobs at this point. Always finding a reason to quit before getting fired. I am worn down spiritually, physically and psychologically. She could not afford to get into the house we were renting on the NE side of Des Moines but her intent was to force me out once she was in and settled.

I could feel an intensity brewing all around us so much so that I relocated myself into the basement where my art studio was. I was preparing for an art installment and looking forward to training for football. I thought if I gave physical space that would be enough. What I did not know is that for the umpteenth time she was already communicating with another woman. This was her norm. I could say I let it slide because of my relationship with my stepkids but realistically it was because I had allowed myself to be put into a place that would make it damn near impossible to get out of in one piece. My own demons that spoke the words of my parents and family were constantly reminding me that I had retribution coming for being a “bad egg.”

Everything that I took pride in from my physique, which made me a good athlete, my wits and intellect which made me an interesting and unique person got wadded up into a ball and thrown at me. Once again, I need to leave. At this stage, I no longer have a vehicle and on one occasion had to walk from the Highland Park area to Centurylink for work, but I know I need to leave. The thing is she still needed me financially. I was reaching out to whoever would listen. I was accepting that I “should know better” and that “I should have just never gone back”. The breakdown and the break up was nothing less than traumatic and ended with me encountering hospitalization and time in a battered women’s shelter.

The shelter time was through most of November and into the holidays. I had a goal of getting my own apartment and relying on a male co-worker for rides, I did that. But, I constantly felt that I was being hunted. I couldn’t relax. I felt targeted. I would go to work then back to the shelter. Due to many years of turmoil, I did not have a familial foundation. I did not have them for support or assistance. The shelter was always loud, cluttered and chaotic. I tried to volunteer to do anything to stay productive. I was granted permission to make posters for the Christmas holidays.

I sat in a room by myself drawing on large pieces of construction paper. I tried to stay off social media because so many rumors were flying around. I was placed in a room that had two single beds and a bunk bed, a closet, and a dresser. We had to have keys to get in and out of our rooms. I never went to college but I had been in a few dorms and would say it was comparable. I just sat on my bed healing from wounds that I inflicted and feeling like I failed. That I should not have had to get to that point mentally and physically to end up sharing a room with a woman that was hiding from a an attempted murder charge warrant out of Arizona. ( I don’t know what compelled her to inform me of this or if it was true)

I used all the money I had to get into efficiency by Christmas. I did not want to be in the shelter during Christmas. I was in the process of purchasing a very used car from a co-worker and moving into my new place all in the same time frame. I could see downtown from my balcony and walking distance to work. The vehicle was not reliable and on more than one occasion would not start and in sub-zero temperatures, I would walk to work and back. I was motivated by hate and frustration, not self-love and preservation. I heard she was looking for me. I felt it. I was working as much as I could and selling as much product as I could ethically without feeling like I was selling my soul. I needed to bank up enough money to leave Des Moines.

As I sit here right now in the comforts of my home, with my fur kid, in a sacred space made with my wife, I realize today is the 9 year anniversary of becoming a survivor.

What has not changed is the fear that this time of my life invoked and instilled in me. I am fearful of appearing strong or raising my voice. I am fearful of accidentally causing pain to others. I am fearful that my break down will forever be tied to me like an anchor. An anchor built to remind me of my weaknesses. As I sit in class learning about writing reports on matters like domestics, I am reminded that size does matter. During my relationship with my abuser, I was physically capable at any point of being “stronger” than her yet I never placed my hands on her. Just recently as I was looking at my CJ field options for employment I did a mock interview for the police academy and was advised to request the police reports from all the incidents.

I sat and read them for the first time. I read how she would frequently name drop her best friend who was an officer or the multiple times that they could not determine the aggressive party but I had to leave because she had her kids. To say that I am afraid of feeling strong or appearing as much sounds absolutely crazy but it is what I am experiencing.

I feel conflicted. I feel like I am betraying someone or something. I have questions and thoughts that do not have answers or resolutions. I want to there to be a bad guy not just bad decisions. I want there to be accountability without enabling. I want there to be responsibility without victim-blaming.

I want to speak up but not too loudly because then all those rumors from that long ago might hold some merit. That I must have been the abuser because she was granted a restraining order. I must have been guilty because I ended up with a disorderly conduct charge. I thought by getting into the root of systems that make up the Criminal and Social Justice fields, I would somehow rectify and understand but what it has done is unleashed more questions.

My arrest from that incident took place two years after the initial incident. During that time frame, I had been married in front of a judge. How I discovered that I had a warrant was that I was working as a Residential Counselor for developmentally delayed adults. In order to get hired an extensive background check is done as I would have access to people’s homes and finances. I was on the job a little over a month when I had to report that one resident’s family had stolen money from that resident’s roommate. I placed the call and waited. I had gone back into the apartment and there was a knock on the door.

It was the officer who had taken the report. He asked me to verify my information. I did so. He asked if I was aware that there was a domestic assault warrant out under my name? I told him that was not possible or I would not have had my job. He confirmed with dispatch by using my social security number. Dispatch confirmed. My entire body went cold.

I am on the job and it is Friday night. I was able to call my wife, at the time as well as the director of my company to come cover. When the director arrived and asked what was happening and the officer explained it was a warrant from 2010 even the director stated that was not possible or I would not have been employed there. (After, all of this I was given a copy of my exact background check from my employer at the time and there was nothing to report)

I am handcuffed and taken into custody and placed in the back seat of a West Des Moines police car. I am transferred to the back of a Des Moines Police car and then transferred again to the back of a “paddy wagon” that is used for public intox transport were I eventually land at Polk County jail.

I spend my night in jail and see the judge the next morning. I am last in line. She cannot find my information and asks why I am there. She finds the warrant that was written two years previously. She actually scoffs about the content of the warrant. She asked what I was doing when I was arrested, “reporting a crime.” She just stared at me. Paraphrasing her own words, ” I do not know who would have signed off on this warrant. I am letting you out on your own recognizance.” She proceeded to state that the charges should not hold up in court and that my hearing date was May 22 and I should not even need legal representation.

I hired an attorney and waited. That morning I am assuming we are going into my hearing to rebuttal the charges. He is late. I did not realize that he had an actual trial that morning. He last minute tells me to take a plea. My face was so hot that I was sweating. If I react in any way that could solidify the DA’s version of me then I could get a stiffer sentence. I did not know what to do. The pace of everything going on was mach speeds. Your name is called, you speak with judge all the while there are several other people, witnesses, accused and lawyers moving about. I am taking a plea of disorderly conduct: raucous and noise, with a 7-year restraining order attached to it. Everything is numb. I would be on paper until 2017.

Present Day: I am really struggling with all of this right now. There is still a bitter part to my persons over all of this. My entire life has been running from the fear of:

I want to believe that overcoming my past would be an asset to where I find myself currently in both fields. That there is some value that can be found in the wounds and scars. Yet, as I mentioned I am facing more critical thoughts and opinions. Are we really helping in advocacy when the recidivism rate is so high? Am I making any bit of difference when I have trust issues with the criminal justice system?

This year I feel the wounds again. They are fresh and I am agitated and my heart hurts. I am frustrated and want nothing more than to avoid everyone and everything. I take it personally when people lie to me. I take it personally when I am on the receiving end of someone being deceptive and deceiving. I am trying to own and understand how some can be determined the victim and the discretion that goes along with that. I am struggling to understand how to find balance when so many instances have occurred that make me want to turn my back and not care that I was not believed and was never allowed to be the victim.

The argument I make today I manifested back then, it’s about integrity. Nothing like this happened before her and nothing has happened since her. Yet, I am told that this cannot be used as a means or explanation. Every woman she was in a relationship with she had taken protective orders out against with the exception of one. I owned that which lead me into such an environment and made critical changes to prevent it from happening again. That happened with sacrifices and a will that was at times bitter but determined.

I know that the majority of the life I live now is because I was hiding from myself. I was suffocating my truths and lying to myself. I was nothing short of acting the opposite of my abilities. Because I continued to believe that if I did not look the part I could not play the part. What I found was a loving wounded warrior. I found that yes, I could most certainly kick someone’s ass and hit them hard but I would have chosen to have hugged them harder. I could use words to cut them to shreds but would have wanted to read them poetry instead. I could go up to battle against anyone but truly wanted to be stood next to not in front of. My voice out of anger or pain is loud and thunderous but the healer’s voice is empathic and caring. My ability to take care of my self and out of harm’s way is nothing short of brutal but I would defend a stranger with the same veracity. This does not make me the abuser. Her calling the cops first does not make her the victim.

I want an ending that nicely wraps this up all shiny and good like but I know that I am not there yet and that is ok.

You find yourself feeling one emotion over other emotions but do not realize you cannot feel all of them. Some days you cannot feel any of them. What once brought you joy, is now met with indifference. These are not just the higher frequency emotions like love, happiness, joy and excitement just to name a few. These could also mean the lower frequency emotions like sadness, hatred, fear and jealousy, again, just to name a few. We are bombarded constantly by things that affect our emotional state. This is done through all of our senses but known more via our sense of sight.

I have heard sayings that we become what we think. At first this statement resonates as truth. This is how I first perceived this particular thought process. But, over the years I have come to find that what we really become is in our actions. Thinking is a matter of the brain.

A matter that can be easily manipulated by things like trauma and disease. We can think of things all day long but it’s action via manifestation that makes the difference. Trauma can have me thinking the most horrible things are going to happen. Anxiety can build and build until the feeling of a pressure cooker builds up inside. If you sit with it “thinking” it just continues to build. But, if you are able to “work through it” change happens. Releasing the energy by little actions and manifestations, allows to you over come.

Our actions can be trained to work as efficiently as a pitcher’s arm or a dancer’s feet. The great thing about action is that it is observable. It can be observed and repeated. When we start to change our default, it can be physically, emotionally and psychologically brutal. Everything seems less cohesive. But, just like when you learned to throw a ball by starting with your target closer and spacing it out as you strengthen your abilities, the same can be said for changing our defaults. You start little by acknowledging that there is something holding you back. You spend some time with it identifying the best course of action. Asking for guidance when you are stuck and continuing towards your goal. Recognizing that not everyone is going to be on board with your choice.

There might even be people that are dead set on preventing you from continuing. When these people are the ones we love like relatives and friends, we immediately believe, as we are taught to, that they are right. But, what if they aren’t? What if they are only doing as they have always done? Only you know because you feel it. You see that there is an alternative. It doesn’t make you a sell out or something that is “faking who they are.” It means you want something different. You want a different outcome. You want a different life.

It can be difficult to make said changes in your current environment but work with what you have and love the idea that you are worth it so much that you stick to your own plan. When you put it out to the higher powers that be that you are in need, the right people, places and things will find you. It is OK to reach out and into darkness with fear not knowing what you are going to find. It’s OK to question everything that has created the version of you that you currently are aware of. It’s OK to wait. It’s OK to wonder. It’s OK to cry. It’s OK to question. It’s OK to be completely and utterly OK with who you are entirely. Where our default lies to us is when we are not being OK to ourselves and others.

When we push our anger on to others. When we push our ideas on to others. When we push ourselves onto others. That means our default needs addressed and the consequences stemming from here are OUR OWN FAULT. Once you know what you know, then it is your responsibility to address it. You may not know how to fix it but you know not to continue on.

Resources come in so many ways. The mobility of social media and internet access far outweighs any other means of communication. Your resources are literally in the palm of your hand. Better yet, with that you are capable and able to request information to be sent to text and email. You have the power to execute change. You are not alone, find the resources that align with what you know feels right.

Village Keep gives the ability to network and ask for directions without judging the destination.

Summer Solstice is June 21st yet these lovelies are kicking summer off early. I woke to two Dragonflies clinging to my screen door. But, let me back up a minute. I was sleeping soundly after Tracy went to work this morning and Rox decided she needs to go outside. She is nudging me, sighing and snorting. Her efforts are relentless. I wake up disconnect my mask for my sleep apnea and stumble towards the back door. As I open the door to the outside I immediately feel a “hello.” I one eye squint trying to focus on our guests. I slowly open the door and let Rox out. I talk to them a moment and think they are Damselflies. I come back in use the rest room and head to check on Rox (whom I cannot locate at the moment.) I panic a bit and open the door even further and there she is stuck in my garden! I sound like a loon, belting out, “Get out of my damn garden, Stink!” The Dragonflies cling to the door as I come out to remove her from the garden. As I turn I notice another one, then another. They are crawling u from the grass. They are stuck to the side of the house. A couple were being consumed by ants. There wings heavy with dew as they tried to release their bondage’s. I rescue one from a spiders web and placed in on a piece of furniture. I count at least 10 that are sunning their wings. As I walk in the grass more hover and fly off. I at first thought they were Damselflies. I now believe they are Kennedy’s Emerald Dragonflies. How they found their way to my yard is only a theory but it definitely believe it has something to do with not cleaning out my gutters. So, what does this visit mean on a spiritual level? What medicine does the Fairy Dragon bring?

Dragonfly is a symbol of direction and purpose. It’s about navigating your course even when it’s changing right in front of you. Some power words include: Change, Connection to Dragon, Connection to Fairies, Wisdom, Enlightenment, Mastering life, Power of Light, Power to escape, Breaking illusions and Seeing invisible truth.

Dragonfly is here to remind me that I am wickedly adaptable. That even if the road, path or direction falters, I still know my way. That up, down, left or right are simply suggestions but forward progression is the end goal. Dragonfly is about challenging oneself and how to overcome the stagnation that ego loves to thrive in. It’s about advantage points and perspective. More so it’s about the direct connection to spirit world. It is not uncommon for me to hear from a client that I have been working with directly or indirectly, send a notification of confirmation. It usually reads, ” You were right…….” I am grateful for the validation. This feedback allows for me to hone in on my gifts and fine tune them. It is work and there is training. From Native Americans to the Celts the Dragonfly holds great power and meaning as they are “Natures Shapeshifters.”

I got in recently with my Rheumatologist. She is confident that at the moment, though I am showing elevated levels of inflammation, I do not have Lupus. Phew! Now, if you were a fly on the wall and watched my reaction to her stating so, it would appear that I am looking to be diagnosed. What I am looking for are solid, physiological answers. The kind that you can track. I want to know thy enemy. I have to cut out soda/pop completely. No cheats. Shit. However, I can continue to drink coffee, YES!!!! However, the way I like to drown my coffee in cream and sugar is probably leading to other issues of their own. The thing is this, I do have Hashimoto’s that in itself is significant. The thyroid is the Grand Central Station of the body. Thyroid issues are a generational issue for the women in my family. My numbers TSH and T4 numbers are “within range” but on the high ends. For a non medical novice this would seem ideal except what would the numbers be if the Levothyroxin I am taking were not present? So even on the meds I am hovering on the high end of the spectrum.

I would consider my research into this diagnoses in depth yet I found one article that has information that I had not recalled reading before. Here is a direct link to the article that I will be discussing further https://medium.com/boosted/which-stage-of-hashimotos-are-you-in-14dfbefea1ae

We are all different, and many of the triggers of flare ups that you experience, the majority of others might not. Luckily, there are some common triggers that might help you on your path to health. According to our research:


Wheat (including gluten) causes problems to 7 in 10 people
Dairy (milk, yogurt) causes problems to 5 in 10 people
Soy causes problems to 3 in 10 people
Alcohol causes problems to 3 in 10 people

I. HAVE. EVERY. SINGLE. ISSUE.

That little paragraph now sums up ALL of the issue I have been to the doctors about over the last 6 months, ALL OF THEM. Leaky gut is a symptom of progressed Hashimotos. I have been tested for GLUTEN issues, DAIRY issues, SOY issues and I cannot drink any type of Alcohol without a reaction.

I am happy to have found the information but more frustrated that I have been seen by doctors from every department that would be diagnosing and dealing with issues related to these areas mentioned. So, now what?

Now, I know thy enemy. I have been experiencing Hashi flare ups and not realizing that they are focus around food and consumption. I have heard things from scientists to nurses that there is no such thing as an intolerance to something. I have argued, respectfully, that there has to be. I would describe moments where it felt like my body was collecting then dumping or collecting then malfunctioning. Like I had too much of something and tipped the scales and not in my favor. Then my body would catch up with itself and overreact.

I now understand that some days I can have things on the list and some days I cannot. So from now on I just have to not. There is not a gauge to say how much, when or what time. I only know how I feel and that is something I cannot show others.

I am choosing that this is accurate because it is well researched and it feels right. What I will continue to navigate is advocating for yourself. Correct anyone that speaks towards you erroneous information in regard to your body, mind and spirit.

For over a month now I have been constantly visited by ducks. This may not seem like an enigma until you take in the totality of duck’s visit. I do live in La Crosse, WI where I am banked by the mighty Mississippi and driftless bluffs. We have water fowl aplenty, but my home is located in the city. The south side specifically. When I spoke with my neighbor whom has resided here for twenty or so years she said she has never seen water fowl in her yard.

This morning while drinking my shamanic elixir of life, er coffee, a random thought infiltrated my mind, “no bird food.” While at my stove prepping the onion going into my breakfast hash, I peer out to my feeders and a mallard is staring back at me. Though there is seed in the feeder she cannot get to that. She benefits from the fact that I pour a significant amount of seed onto the ground when filling. I grabbed my phone and open the back door. I turn the corner to locate her and she is walking my way. Her waddle is curious but casual. She is here to barter knowledge for food.

Last week, there was a mating pair that showed up at my feeders as well. The drake kept an eye out while the mallard foraged for food. They both strolled casually through my yard. The mallard on another day was so comfortable, even with Rox on the premises, that she settled down into the grass for a rest.

Ducks come to us for many reasons. Their attributes include the ability to navigate different realms spirit (air), water (healing) and earth (ground). Even their colors can assist in directing. If a drake is interacting with you, this energy exchange could be guiding you to be more observant and focus on the “green” attributes of yourself. What are you stuck in that needs new growth? A white duck would be about focusing on “purity” in a sense it’s asking are you not being honest and authentic with yourself and others. The brown of the mallards that keep coming back signify my need to ground and embrace for change but to take this changes with a new level of fluidity that I have yet to experience.

I got to thinking about the message of the duck. I have watched them navigate treacherous waves in lakes and ponds with ease. They trust their “tools.” They trust that they are structured and built exactly the way they need to be in order to survive where they need to go. I too have to remember that I am built to survive.

I am currently experiencing some medical melees that are no fun. There is a very big possibility that I have yet another autoimmune disorder. On the 29th I am going for a follow up to Rheumatology after doing yet another round of blood work and tests. Right now the levels of inflammation presented in my body is high and again the symptoms are lining up towards Lupus. I do not want to spiral down the “how bad Hashimotos and Lupus together will be” but that is a real part of all of this. I need to recognize the only true change will be in knowing the name of my enemy. With autoimmune disorders the enemy is me.

The ducks coming make me realize that no matter what I have to be able to, with confidence, navigate my surroundings. That I have to be observant and mindful. This goes beyond making the most out of a situation. For example, if the duck couple decides to nest in my yard, they are miles and miles away from a river source for the babies to get access to. I would like to believe that on some cosmic universal plane they understand that I would assist in this dilemma once it was presented. I would certainly call local wildlife and have the family relocated and that it may take a village to see them on their way.

Just like it may take a village to see me on my way as well.

The Long Island Medium is coming to LaX. If you are willing to spend $39 for a tix or more to meet with her personally but really want the opportunity for a reading, this is your chance to work locally. I am matching her minimum ticket price for a full 50 minutes. Multiple people are welcome per session but each person present must pay the $39. I will limit a group to 10. Sessions done in La Crosse. *Will not travel for promo pricing. Invoices must be paid in full to secure the appointment. Text, Call or Email requesting an appointment time.