Monthly archives: May, 2019

When We Change

It happens, not shit, change. It comes in many forms and is non discriminatory to race, gender, sexual orientation, creed etc.. Most approach change with a stiff upper lip and cockiness as we see it as the enemy. Give me change that comes with ease and the softness of snow falling on cedars. That is not how change works. It manifests like a ninja. Noticeable changes start taking place but are not deemed too signficant. At this point our lovers, spouses, significant others, friends, family and acquaintances are not even aware of the what is morphing, for some, the person is not aware either. But, like an itch that is unreachable and cannot be scratched, it starts to grows affecting larger parts and aspects. Comments, that are well meant land like rubber bullets. These aren’t death shots they cause more surface damage until they become more and more constant. At some point the barrage of meaningful intentions become too much and we shut down.

The thing is there is a place in the middle that may be rough to navigate but it is passable. When we start to notice a need for change we should start looking for allies that resemble what that change feels like. This way when others start to notice that what we feel internally is starting to appear externally via choices, likes and dislikes no matter how mundane, we have a support system to balance from.

What does change look like? It could come as a heterosexual marriage where one of the spouses recognizes that their truth lies with aligning more towards same sex interests. It could be a person being raised being indoctrinated to a specific belief and that person realizing it doesn’t align with them personally. A great example of this is generational racism. Though these two examples are very specific and significant some change comes more in changing habits or exploring new interests. Either way there will be those people that notice. Sometimes we don’t get the recognition from the ones we want and other times the ones that see the subtleties like a new hair style comes from those who are considered, “not part of the inner circle.”

Here is the most significant part of change, the need to not explain. Now, this comes with a price that can be hefty if the person experiencing the change is coming from ego. If you have spent the last umpteen years in a space and place with a specific person, it would only seem respectful to do your best in explaining what change has been experienced. If you have spent said amount of time with these persons, there should be an intimate understanding of the best and most reasonable way to approach them. Now, here is where ego needs a door check and some time in ego day care. You cannot fault the other persons reaction. You are coming to the table with a knowing of what is coming. Even if they have commented on said noticeable changes, as humans we all know when we have crossed the “cannot return from this point” threshold. Be mindful and compassionate unless the response is harmful to your body, mind or spirit. Then request space and a designated neutral place. From that moment forward there is no need for further explanation. What comes in place of that is communication and expectation about said change.

If we find ourselves on the receiving end of someone else’s change we need to understand that on some level we have all been there. From deciding to shave our heads or grow a mohawk that is change. From deciding to stop eating meat and becoming a vegetarian that is change. From understanding that though we love our persons and peoples feelings can change. There is no fault in change. This is where I agree 100% with the Golden Rule. If you would not want to be on the receiving end of hurtful and hateful words and actions then do not use those tactics on others. (My one BIG side note on this subject is when the need for change is due to abusive or addictive behaviors. DO NOT STICK AROUND WAITING FOR THEM TO GET HELP. IF THEY ARE SERIOUS ABOUT COUNSELING AND REHABILITATION THEY WILL GET IT WITHOUT YOU BEING THERE. LEAVE THE SITUATION WHEN YOU CAN AND WHILE IT IS ON YOUR TERMS.)

Change is inevitable. We can either learn to ride the waves or drown out of stubbornness.

Image Credit to Dawn Gemme

Hashimoto’s Autoimmune Disease

I got in recently with my Rheumatologist. She is confident that at the moment, though I am showing elevated levels of inflammation, I do not have Lupus. Phew! Now, if you were a fly on the wall and watched my reaction to her stating so, it would appear that I am looking to be diagnosed. What I am looking for are solid, physiological answers. The kind that you can track. I want to know thy enemy. I have to cut out soda/pop completely. No cheats. Shit. However, I can continue to drink coffee, YES!!!! However, the way I like to drown my coffee in cream and sugar is probably leading to other issues of their own. The thing is this, I do have Hashimoto’s that in itself is significant. The thyroid is the Grand Central Station of the body. Thyroid issues are a generational issue for the women in my family. My numbers TSH and T4 numbers are “within range” but on the high ends. For a non medical novice this would seem ideal except what would the numbers be if the Levothyroxin I am taking were not present? So even on the meds I am hovering on the high end of the spectrum.

I would consider my research into this diagnoses in depth yet I found one article that has information that I had not recalled reading before. Here is a direct link to the article that I will be discussing further

We are all different, and many of the triggers of flare ups that you experience, the majority of others might not. Luckily, there are some common triggers that might help you on your path to health. According to our research:

Wheat (including gluten) causes problems to 7 in 10 people
Dairy (milk, yogurt) causes problems to 5 in 10 people
Soy causes problems to 3 in 10 people
Alcohol causes problems to 3 in 10 people


That little paragraph now sums up ALL of the issue I have been to the doctors about over the last 6 months, ALL OF THEM. Leaky gut is a symptom of progressed Hashimotos. I have been tested for GLUTEN issues, DAIRY issues, SOY issues and I cannot drink any type of Alcohol without a reaction.

I am happy to have found the information but more frustrated that I have been seen by doctors from every department that would be diagnosing and dealing with issues related to these areas mentioned. So, now what?

Now, I know thy enemy. I have been experiencing Hashi flare ups and not realizing that they are focus around food and consumption. I have heard things from scientists to nurses that there is no such thing as an intolerance to something. I have argued, respectfully, that there has to be. I would describe moments where it felt like my body was collecting then dumping or collecting then malfunctioning. Like I had too much of something and tipped the scales and not in my favor. Then my body would catch up with itself and overreact.

I now understand that some days I can have things on the list and some days I cannot. So from now on I just have to not. There is not a gauge to say how much, when or what time. I only know how I feel and that is something I cannot show others.

I am choosing that this is accurate because it is well researched and it feels right. What I will continue to navigate is advocating for yourself. Correct anyone that speaks towards you erroneous information in regard to your body, mind and spirit.

Duck Medicine

Though grainy, the pic shows a mating pair by my bird feeders. I live in the city on the South side of La Crosse, WI.

For over a month now I have been constantly visited by ducks. This may not seem like an enigma until you take in the totality of duck’s visit. I do live in La Crosse, WI where I am banked by the mighty Mississippi and driftless bluffs. We have water fowl aplenty, but my home is located in the city. The south side specifically. When I spoke with my neighbor whom has resided here for twenty or so years she said she has never seen water fowl in her yard.

This morning while drinking my shamanic elixir of life, er coffee, a random thought infiltrated my mind, “no bird food.” While at my stove prepping the onion going into my breakfast hash, I peer out to my feeders and a mallard is staring back at me. Though there is seed in the feeder she cannot get to that. She benefits from the fact that I pour a significant amount of seed onto the ground when filling. I grabbed my phone and open the back door. I turn the corner to locate her and she is walking my way. Her waddle is curious but casual. She is here to barter knowledge for food.

Last week, there was a mating pair that showed up at my feeders as well. The drake kept an eye out while the mallard foraged for food. They both strolled casually through my yard. The mallard on another day was so comfortable, even with Rox on the premises, that she settled down into the grass for a rest.

Ducks come to us for many reasons. Their attributes include the ability to navigate different realms spirit (air), water (healing) and earth (ground). Even their colors can assist in directing. If a drake is interacting with you, this energy exchange could be guiding you to be more observant and focus on the “green” attributes of yourself. What are you stuck in that needs new growth? A white duck would be about focusing on “purity” in a sense it’s asking are you not being honest and authentic with yourself and others. The brown of the mallards that keep coming back signify my need to ground and embrace for change but to take this changes with a new level of fluidity that I have yet to experience.

I got to thinking about the message of the duck. I have watched them navigate treacherous waves in lakes and ponds with ease. They trust their “tools.” They trust that they are structured and built exactly the way they need to be in order to survive where they need to go. I too have to remember that I am built to survive.

I am currently experiencing some medical melees that are no fun. There is a very big possibility that I have yet another autoimmune disorder. On the 29th I am going for a follow up to Rheumatology after doing yet another round of blood work and tests. Right now the levels of inflammation presented in my body is high and again the symptoms are lining up towards Lupus. I do not want to spiral down the “how bad Hashimotos and Lupus together will be” but that is a real part of all of this. I need to recognize the only true change will be in knowing the name of my enemy. With autoimmune disorders the enemy is me.

The ducks coming make me realize that no matter what I have to be able to, with confidence, navigate my surroundings. That I have to be observant and mindful. This goes beyond making the most out of a situation. For example, if the duck couple decides to nest in my yard, they are miles and miles away from a river source for the babies to get access to. I would like to believe that on some cosmic universal plane they understand that I would assist in this dilemma once it was presented. I would certainly call local wildlife and have the family relocated and that it may take a village to see them on their way.

Just like it may take a village to see me on my way as well.